Posted by: picturefool | June 25, 2008

Thank You

I may have sounded a little scary in my post last week. I got letters and e-mails and phone calls in response. My poor brother-in-law thought I might be about to jump off a building.

I am not in totally desperate straits. I think it’s just that I go to work every day with wonderful people who are very different from me and I feel the need to camouflage myself and be like them in some ways. Sometimes the “me” gets lost completely in the “work me.” Sometimes the “me” gets really tired of that and jumps up and down screaming and begging to be let out.

Here’s what happens when I let the “me” out a little bit…

I find out my cat’s name. (THAT was pretty damn cool!)

I find out that people really like me for me and aren’t as confused about who I am as I think. (That made me cry – but in a good way.)

I find that place where I can re-arrange things at home with intent and find peace in that. (Our bedroom is now a glorious to place to be and the pre-fab or hand-me-down furniture now feels exactly right in there.)

I find a place where I can focus on the fact that we deserve happiness and our happiness leads to other people being happy because other people love us for who we are.

Pretty cool stuff.

The trick is sticking with this. It’s hard when money is, shall we say, “snug” at the moment (we’re fine… just not quite as fine as we are used to being). Money causes so much stress. When you have to think about money all of the time it becomes this growling monster in your stomach. I don’t think it’s helping the heartburn I seem to have every day right now. August is the month when lots of things happen to make that gnawing go away. August will be good.

So…. I need to visualize more good things. I feel so undeserving of anything most of the time. I realized while reading a variety of books that I do deserve a lot. I work hard. I love deeply. I am loyal. I tie a great square-knot. Oh wait, I’m not a Boy Scout. But the other stuff is true. And all of YOU out there… you want me/us to be comfortable and happy. It’s so much less worrisome when the people you love are in a sort of comfort-zone: healthy, comfortable financially, loved. What else can you ask for?

Life is not perfect and horrible things are at times going to happen around us but if we are healthy and loved and not having to meditate on a lack of money those horrible things can be focused on and dealt with.

So, now I picture health and wealth (within reason – I’m not asking to be “rich.” I know too many rich people to think that I am equipped to be rich) and comfort swirling around us all, embracing us. Making us whole. All of us… not just Len, the boy, and me. You…. and you…. and you.

And I’m going to spend some more time with “me.” I did this meditation one day last week and as I sank into a really good place I could see a young woman, maybe 16 or 17, in a long, flowing dress, heading up a grassy hill to a small castle. I don’t know what the means – if anything – but that’s what my sub-conscious produced and I found it very comfortable to watch as she went up the hill. She was not out of breath or tired. She was enjoying the journey. She was smelling the clean air and enjoying the view. She was not in a hurry even though it seemed like she was running.

I think I need to get to know her better.

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