Posted by: picturefool | June 19, 2008

Putting it all out there…

I’m not going to apologize or over-explain this post. I tend to do that when I want to share who I really am and then I feel like I’m lying. This is me. Like it or not. Don’t care. If you’ve liked me up to now and this changes your opinion of me, too bad.

There. Mask off. Hair down. Barefoot on the sand.

A couple of weeks ago a dear, dear friend sent me an e-mail that sort of rocked my universe. It was the most raw, honest e-mail I have ever seen and she told me truths about myself that I was ignoring. More on that in a bit….

Then we had all kinds of craziness at work and at home.

Then yesterday I realized – right in the ladies room here at the office – that there are certain people (mainly two and no one who reads this blog) in my life who I am drawn to because they are mean to me… in a kidding and wonderful way that I love… but still mean and judgmental. I am drawn to them because that is what I grew up with – without the kidding and wonderfulness. I grew up with someone who was so shocking observant that no little skin blemish or hair out place was not noticed, talked about, focused on, ridiculed. The topic wasn’t dropped until I was squirming and red and miserable and just wanted to die. The people in my life now get a mouthful back and quite often a certain finger is raised right in their face. I’m not sitting down for that kind of nonsense any more. You wanna be mean? Fine. But you’re gonna get it right back and I can be as mean as you can.

Interesting, though, isn’t it? That I have chosen a few people to keep close, close who are as tough on me as the old hag that “raised” me. Wow.

That realization got thrown on the pyre created by reading my friend’s e-mail where she was clear that I am not who I want to be. (I used pyre on purpose… there is a part of me that is almost dead and needs to revive.)

You know… I think a lot of what is “wrong” with me has to do with constantly working to prove people wrong.

– You can’t do that.

– HA! Watch me, f*cker.

– You can do that but you won’t get anything out of it.

– Reeeally? Wanna watch? I’m gonna get orgasmic over how much I get out of this.

I assume people have assumptions about me:

– She’s flaky and there’s no way that family is going to make it to prosperity and comfort.

– She’s an English major. You know how they are.

– She’s messy, unorganized.

– She’s fat and you know fat people can’t be nice/smart/friendly/happy.

Holy crap!! That’s a lot of responsibility I’m giving to you people out there! Talk about a God complex!

Tonight I’m going home and I’m going to meditate for a bit. Because I do that now. And it’s amazing and I can feel the difference and I don’t care who knows it. And then I’m going to measure out some of my house for a Feng Shui map. Because I’ve done that forever and it brings order to the chaos in my mind. And then I’m gonna sit on the floor because I like to. Why have I stopped sitting on the floor? (Okay, creaky knees but who cares about that.) I may even burn some incense. And I’m going to enjoy that part of me that is Bohemian.

I’m angry. Very angry. I’m not even sure at whom. Maybe me? Maybe I just am. I feel like I just opened a closet that hasn’t been used in a long time and in there is just junk – piles of dusty, musty junk just crammed into every nook. And I’m standing there looking at it for a couple of minutes a day but I don’t really have time to clean it out because of that damn job and housework and family stuff and whatever else is going on. So now, as I’m working I see that closet in my mind’s eye and know how much work there is to do and how great it will be once it is cleaned out. I hope I can find time to clean soon.

I know this post won’t make sense to anyone but me and maybe my friend with the x-ray emotional vision but here it is.

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Responses

  1. Wow. Packing this weekend but will try to call to see if your meditation worked!


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