Posted by: picturefool | May 22, 2008

Mixed Emotions

About two years ago I posted a long, heartfelt post on a now defunct blog in which I detailed my struggles with my weight. I bought a treadmill and started eating very well and lost 32 pounds. Fall came and I got sick and my schedule fell apart and for the last year and a half I have just treaded water and lost some ground.I never got back on track. I would work out sporadically, have a salad every now and then and allow myself too many Oreos in between.

This past Sunday we had my boss and his family over for dinner. They are wonderful people and it’s not like my boss doesn’t know I’m fat. He sees me every day. But somehow being fat in my own house was just not cool. I must have changed shirts ten times. Every shirt showed belly roll or too much arm. I cried. I was so frustrated at having worked so hard to have the house look perfect and yet I looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy in drag.

Apparently that’s the trigger I needed. I made two desserts for Sunday and we gave away all leftovers. I have eaten healthily and with great thought. I have worked out.

This morning Len said he can already see a difference in me. That difference may be an emotional one manifesting itself physically but regardless of what it is I am sticking to the plan.

I will be happy with this body for the first time at some point. I think it will be at size 10. I’d love to be an 8 but having been a size 22 makes a size 10 sound heavenly.

Mel — I may be bugging you for nutritional input again. I hope you don’t mind. I want to cleanse my body of all this processed crap and go as natural as possible.

I need to lose at least 60 pounds. 70 would be better. But 60 would be incredible. My first goal is to walk 30 miles before July 4th. That should shake some weight off and it’s more about how I look and feel than it is about how much I weigh.



  1. Hey hey!!

    I chanced upon ur blog when tag surfing and had to stop by to leave a comment because I felt for this entry of urs. I’m a size 16 and still struggling with my weight and my self esteem. So I can understand ur eagerness to lose weight and hit a size 10. If I could hit a size 10, I think I’d be elated beyond words. 😦

    It’s just so hard though, isn’t it? U may want to lose weight but sometimes, life gets busy and u fall behind… After a while, u question whether it’s wishful thinking that u’d ever hit that ideal dress size.

    But, I do hope u’ll keep at it and blog about ur weight loss because it’d be a real inspiration for me too.

    Anyway, I’ve started a blog on self esteem and body image. My nick is linked to it :). Do pop by when u can because I’d love to hear ur views!!!


  2. It is very clear what is being said here, and I feel the pain you are experienceing.

    I am an older guy and in the past several years I have lost 90 pounds, and kept it off.

    I am unsure of dress sizes, but I went from a 44 waist to a 32 inch waist size.

    I now wear the same size clothes I wore in high school. I have totally replaced my wardrobe three times while doing this. I had no idea I could accomplish this. It was a result, not a focus.

    There were no diet or exercise programs. I learned about sugar, because my weight was affecting my health.

    The issue is not about where you are going, but where you are at. I was addicted to sugar. Oh, I love those Oreo cookies, and I eat them any time I wish now. Just not so many…

    I broke my sugar addiction in three days, and then the weight started falling off like crazy. I began eating heatlthy foods.

    It becomes a simple process when you move with purpose. Now, that I am not carrying all that weight, exercise (walking) is much more fun.

    You can do this, one step at a time. I believe you will have more success when you understand that fat is sugar, you ate, but didn’t need.

    I have no desire to preach, just to say this can be done easily ,and simply, over time when you deal with the sugar.

    I am not talking dreams, I have done it, and so can you.

    Smiles. ET

  3. happy to help anytime. Just let me know.

  4. I was just in the garden and happened to have these ideas about a Garden Diet. I share them here due to synchronicity. Do with them as you like.

    My thoughts started when I leaned down over and around the big hose keeper that we have and pulled a weed. I had been reflecting all morning how doing things in the garden used to be such a big deal. Things that I felt were HUGE accomplishments I now do with great ease. I realized that reaching around that big container and pulling that weed was one such thing. A couple of years ago my body wasn’t used to making moves like that and I would have let out a big grunt while doing it or just ignored the weed in the past.

    So this led me to imagine a diet that would be the Feel Good Gardening Diet.

    First, I would not even bother counting calories. Maybe I’d track what I eat for a month or two on a website like The Daily Plate but the goal would not be to eat a certain number of calories. I’d instead learn what has fiber and what doesn’t. How much protein I was getting. How much sugar I was eating. Then I’d stop after some point because I’d come to have enough data that it would be easy to stop putting something yucky in my mouth or at least be more conscious in my choice to do so.

    Then I would give myself permission to spend whatever I needed to on food I liked from a place like Trader Joes and/or Costco. I’d buy prepared foods for those times when cooking was just out of the question. I would buy big things of nuts, berries, and whatever yummy stuff that looked good to me. I’d go home and eat whatever I wanted from that good stuff.

    Then I’d start working out in the yard. Again, allowing myself to spend money on tools that I would need and books to read and plants. I’d plant a food garden. And make it okay for myself to totally fail.

    If my yard had a lot of grass, I’d think about how to replant the yard with shrubs, perennials and annuals. I would let myself get so mentally caught up in that entire process that I would naturally be outside. The little bits of progress over the seasons would motivate me to keep at it and do more in ways that felt right and were naturally inspiring. Without really noticing it, I’d get stronger in my body.

    And I would eat all that yummy food and make sure I had a good amount of stuff in my stomach before heading outside. (That’s one of the biggest things I forget when working in my yard.)

    A bunch of things would be achieved with this diet:
    – Good food would be eaten.
    – Vegetables would be locally grown.
    – Water would be conserved by reducing the lawn and bees and other helpful insects would have more places to live.
    – Muscles would be built in all parts of the body.
    – Added beauty would grace the home and be a reflection of the inner beauty of the gardener.
    – Hands would be in dirt which I hear is good for staving off depression.
    – The mind would be consumed by gardening, something other than work.
    – The body would feel good.
    – One could engage with community through garden clubs, etc.

    I am realizing as I type this that this is not just a diet that I’ve come up with out of the blue but it’s actually what I’ve come to do myself after having failed to make myself exercise and eat well.

    One of my favorite authors Mark Epstein talks about how in Buddhism it’s not about making a clear path from point A to point B and cutting through whatever may be in the way. Epstein writes, “If we can put our minds into a place of surrender, we will have an easier time feeling the contours of the land. We do not have to break our way through as much as we have to find our way around the major obstacles. We do not have to cure every neurosis, we just have to learn how not to be caught by them.”

    What this has meant for me is that I’ve had to find the things that deeply inspire and delight me in order to get to my goal of being stronger and healthier. When I come to an obstacle – like I’m just too tired and cranky and out of sorts to eat healthily, I’ve had to find my own work arounds like having food in the house that I can cook up easily that tastes good or simply accepting my emotions that day, knowing that they will pass, and so also knowing that my choice to eat fast food that day will not be a permanent choice.

    We each create our own meandering paths toward what we want. Mine includes gardening but that’s only because gardening nourishes me as I find my way around my own inner obstacles.

    It’s good work for each of us to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves, to not force ourselves to get directly from point A to B, and to find what it is that does help us (not some other person) get around our own inner obstacles.

  5. Wow. Such heartfelt words from people. This is obviously a topic that many people deal with much of the time. I appreciate every word posted here. I take comfort and some advice from your words. I’m certainly looking forward to a trip to Trader Joe’s this weekend to get some yummy, healthy things to have around. Thank you all!!

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